Last night a few of us from the gym decided to get the hell out of Sunpaliang and go and see a movie at the mall, also called Central Airport Plaza (a magical sounding place, I think you'll agree).
Anyway, like a child who has spent long weeks locked in a cupboard under the stairs with nothing but a book about antidisestablishmentarianism to read, and no company beyond that of a small, unhealthy hedgehog called Bert, I was terribly excited by all the bright shiny lights and flashing things, and jingly noises which emanated from the various games machines and shops in evidence. However, since the movie wasn't actually on until 10.20, and as we arrived at 8.30 and the mall shut at 9, we had very little to do in that palace of wonders for an hour or so, but eventually, however, the time passed, and the hour of wonder drew near: a movie! In English! With *colour*!
And we weren't disappointed. How could we be? They're *robots*....
.... and they're IN DISGUISE!
Obviously, the plot was.... shaky, and to call it far-fetched wouldn't even do it justice, what with it being about a race of alien robots.... IN DISGUISE! But none of that matters a jot. The special effects rocked the Casbah: the robots transform and fight and move in a way that made me feel like I was 7 again and watching the cartoon movie for the first time. It was exciting, slick, funny and can only really be done justice by the big screen and a healthy dose of Dolby Surround Sound with sub woofers.
Now, it *is* a Spielberg movie, so it's not without its issues - there's alot of Optimus Pride based sentimentality about his duty to protect the fledgling human race, and no small amount of American war propaganda, with American soldiers proclaiming "All I want is to see my little girl again" as they tenderly care for the small Arab boy who, of course, has befriended them. I mean, why wouldn't he?! *All* Arabs in war zones just love the Americans, and likewise, all American soldiers are brave, fine, upstanding young family-men who wouldn't hesitate to lay down their lives for small children and alien races. Obviously. It's America.
Anyway, those irritations aside, it's well worth watching, and from my admittedly hazy memory of the original cartoons, it does the story justice. Just remember, none of those other things matter, because they're fucking cool robots....
IN DISGUISE!
Showing posts with label film review. Show all posts
Showing posts with label film review. Show all posts
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Curse of the Golden Flower
You have to hand it to Chow Yun Fat: he deserves a Nobel prize, or a humanitarian award, or maybe one of those awards you get on ITV, presented by the likes of Carole Vordeman, for being a very special, heartwarmingly helping and kind person, for the fact that his movie has a cast which consists of EVERYONE IN CHINA. That is employment on a massive scale - I can only assume that that's all of China's problems sorted now, everyone is famous, rich and in Hollywood...
Anyway, the film. Well, we went to see it on a Friday night, at 9.00, and there were a total of 7 people in the screening. This could be for one of two reasons, either:
A) Everyone is out having fun, getting drunk, or watching it at another, more central cinema
B) Everyone who has already seen the film killed themselves as soon as it ended or before, thereby making it impossible for them to recommend it to anyone else. (In this sense, you could describe the film like a particularly virulent disease which succeeds in wiping out an entire species, and then itself.)
I'm plumping for B) on this one. It just seems more plausible.
I don't want to spoil it for you, so I wont give you all the twists and turns, but the upshot is this: everybody dies or goes stark raving bonkers.
EVERYbody.
And since the population of China is 1,313,973,713, and they're all in the film, this takes quite some time, not to mention an inordinate quanitity of fake blood. Do not be fooled, however, by a death-count which would put Pol Pot to shame, nor by the trailers which show many interesting Ninjas leaping about the place excited/ingly. No, no, you fools. Yes, there are Ninja types, and a ginormous battle, but these scenes are the exceptions to the rule of slowness which controls the rest of the film.
The plot is good though - it is essentially a Greek tragedy in Chinese (in a number of ways) but I was somewhat let down by the woeful lack of fancy-ass Wing Chun, and deeply put out by many of the highly irritating details of the film, like why the Emperor (who appears to be the richest person in the world) would actually pay people to wander round his huge palace banging gongs on-the-hour-every-hour, shouting stuff like "Heaven and Earth collide, giant wombats fall from space - Now is the hour of the terrapin!" or words to that effect. Just buy a clock....showy bastard.
The film has its good points - the costumes, the sets (comedy factor if nothing else -what is the point in see-through bamboo doors?), the acting, the plot and, if nothing else, the sheer scale of it.
Nevertheless, if you recommend it to a loved one and they commit suicide soon after, well, its probably going to be your fault. That's all I'm saying....
Think about it.
Anyway, the film. Well, we went to see it on a Friday night, at 9.00, and there were a total of 7 people in the screening. This could be for one of two reasons, either:
A) Everyone is out having fun, getting drunk, or watching it at another, more central cinema
B) Everyone who has already seen the film killed themselves as soon as it ended or before, thereby making it impossible for them to recommend it to anyone else. (In this sense, you could describe the film like a particularly virulent disease which succeeds in wiping out an entire species, and then itself.)
I'm plumping for B) on this one. It just seems more plausible.
I don't want to spoil it for you, so I wont give you all the twists and turns, but the upshot is this: everybody dies or goes stark raving bonkers.
EVERYbody.
And since the population of China is 1,313,973,713, and they're all in the film, this takes quite some time, not to mention an inordinate quanitity of fake blood. Do not be fooled, however, by a death-count which would put Pol Pot to shame, nor by the trailers which show many interesting Ninjas leaping about the place excited/ingly. No, no, you fools. Yes, there are Ninja types, and a ginormous battle, but these scenes are the exceptions to the rule of slowness which controls the rest of the film.
The plot is good though - it is essentially a Greek tragedy in Chinese (in a number of ways) but I was somewhat let down by the woeful lack of fancy-ass Wing Chun, and deeply put out by many of the highly irritating details of the film, like why the Emperor (who appears to be the richest person in the world) would actually pay people to wander round his huge palace banging gongs on-the-hour-every-hour, shouting stuff like "Heaven and Earth collide, giant wombats fall from space - Now is the hour of the terrapin!" or words to that effect. Just buy a clock....showy bastard.
The film has its good points - the costumes, the sets (comedy factor if nothing else -what is the point in see-through bamboo doors?), the acting, the plot and, if nothing else, the sheer scale of it.
Nevertheless, if you recommend it to a loved one and they commit suicide soon after, well, its probably going to be your fault. That's all I'm saying....
Think about it.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
The 300
Xerxes: what a tool. My credentials as a historian may not be quite as respectable as David Starkey's (also a tool), but I still feel justified in making that bald, unsupported and general statement. I mean really, if you've got anywhere between 500,000 and 2,000,000 soldiers, why would you send them against 300 soldiers in relatively small waves, with plenty of time in between for the opposition to clean up, have an apple and take a wee snooze? No, you'd send them *all at once* and then all they'd have to do is squash the Spartans.
Anyway, I'm glad Xerxes was a tool, because the Spartans rocked, and deserved to take out around 50,000 Persian soldiers in 2 days with only 300 soldiers with spears, swords and shields - wooo! Gooooooooooo Spartans!
The film itself was fantastic - beautiful cinematography and easily identifiable as having been inspired by a graphic novel. At first I wasn't sure whether I'd enjoy it, as it did seem like it was going to be a little bit OTT, but I was wrong, very wrong. Any qualms I had were squashed when the 300 soldiers appeared over the brow of a hill, wearing nothing more than a pair of pants, boots and a cloak each - I felt like Columbus, laying eyes upon a beautiful New World for the first time...I felt like applauding. Six-packs like those take dedication - 300 beautiful six-packs, that's 1800 abdominal muscles, carved and cut to perfection...
Anyway, that is obviously not what the film is about (shame ;p). Don't be fooled by the monsters in Xerxes's army - the descriptions were taken from actual descriptions of the battle, the monsters aren't added for fun. However, this doesn't mean that the rest of the information about the battle is unreliable - historians and archeologists have uncovered the remains from the battle and proved that there were indeed only around 300 spartan soldiers, and anything from 500,000 Persians upwards, so it is an epic story.
It was beautiful to look at, enjoyable to watch and left me with a lasting interest in the Spartans and the battle which inspired the film. I've even got a book and everything (my dad would be so proud), which Paul got me after the following conversation:
Paul: I'm in Waterstones trying to get you that book about the Spartans, there's one here about the Persians though, the same battle.
Me: But I don't like the Persians
Paul:......well....it's the same battle though, it ends the same
Me:But....Xerxes was a tool
Paul: Yes. Xerxes was a tool. He loses in this book as well, though.
Me: Well.....so long as he loses, I guess that's ok
Paul: Yeah. He loses.
Me: Cos he was a tool.
Paul: Yes, honey, he was a tool. Shhhhhhhh.........
Go watch the film. Because Xerxes was a tool :)
Anyway, I'm glad Xerxes was a tool, because the Spartans rocked, and deserved to take out around 50,000 Persian soldiers in 2 days with only 300 soldiers with spears, swords and shields - wooo! Gooooooooooo Spartans!
The film itself was fantastic - beautiful cinematography and easily identifiable as having been inspired by a graphic novel. At first I wasn't sure whether I'd enjoy it, as it did seem like it was going to be a little bit OTT, but I was wrong, very wrong. Any qualms I had were squashed when the 300 soldiers appeared over the brow of a hill, wearing nothing more than a pair of pants, boots and a cloak each - I felt like Columbus, laying eyes upon a beautiful New World for the first time...I felt like applauding. Six-packs like those take dedication - 300 beautiful six-packs, that's 1800 abdominal muscles, carved and cut to perfection...
Anyway, that is obviously not what the film is about (shame ;p). Don't be fooled by the monsters in Xerxes's army - the descriptions were taken from actual descriptions of the battle, the monsters aren't added for fun. However, this doesn't mean that the rest of the information about the battle is unreliable - historians and archeologists have uncovered the remains from the battle and proved that there were indeed only around 300 spartan soldiers, and anything from 500,000 Persians upwards, so it is an epic story.
It was beautiful to look at, enjoyable to watch and left me with a lasting interest in the Spartans and the battle which inspired the film. I've even got a book and everything (my dad would be so proud), which Paul got me after the following conversation:
Paul: I'm in Waterstones trying to get you that book about the Spartans, there's one here about the Persians though, the same battle.
Me: But I don't like the Persians
Paul:......well....it's the same battle though, it ends the same
Me:But....Xerxes was a tool
Paul: Yes. Xerxes was a tool. He loses in this book as well, though.
Me: Well.....so long as he loses, I guess that's ok
Paul: Yeah. He loses.
Me: Cos he was a tool.
Paul: Yes, honey, he was a tool. Shhhhhhhh.........
Go watch the film. Because Xerxes was a tool :)
Thursday, March 15, 2007
The Number 23
I went to see The Number 23 today with my lovely friend Kal and I must say, it was absolutely spine chilling. Call me suggestible, call me impressionable, call me credulous and I'll call you a cynic but I'm sorry, there's something just.......wrong about that number:
"Oh, oh my God! Look at the date - it's the 15th of March, 2007! 15.3.07....15 plus 3.....18. Add 7......25.....erm......25....that's 2+5, so that's 7, take that away again, which is 18 again, but 1+8 is 9 and 18 add 9 is 27 and then multiply that by 5, which is the number of letters in the word "MARCH", which is....135. Now, 13+5, that's 18 again.....*shit*.... No! Wait! 18 + 5 (which we already established was the number of letters in the word "March") is 23!! OH MY GOD!!! It all fits......."
Spooky.
"Oh, oh my God! Look at the date - it's the 15th of March, 2007! 15.3.07....15 plus 3.....18. Add 7......25.....erm......25....that's 2+5, so that's 7, take that away again, which is 18 again, but 1+8 is 9 and 18 add 9 is 27 and then multiply that by 5, which is the number of letters in the word "MARCH", which is....135. Now, 13+5, that's 18 again.....*shit*.... No! Wait! 18 + 5 (which we already established was the number of letters in the word "March") is 23!! OH MY GOD!!! It all fits......."
Spooky.
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